Action is a crime against bureaucracy
by meldahlie
Summary: 1997: The Ministry has fallen, Thicknesse is Minister, and Dolores Umbridge wants a spare pad of parchment. Resistance can take many forms. Some of them are even helpful.
1. Ink?

Action is a crime against bureaucracy

1997: The Ministry has fallen. Thicknesse is Minister. And Dolores Umbridge wants a spare pad of parchment.

Resistance can take many forms. Some of them are even helpful.

_A/N: The postal service can explain what drove me to write this. Many thanks to Julian Lindley-French for the title._

Chapter One: Ink?

1.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. However, we regret to inform you that Ministry Regulations prevent us from sending out any supplies in response to a frilly pink note. Please use the relevant form in the Supply Request Form Book.

We will then be happy to help.

2.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We note your request for one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill). However, this has not been requested on the relevant form out of the Supply Request Form Book. If you look closely at the Supply Request Form Book, you will see that some of the Forms are a very pale pink (for ordering parchment), some a very pale yellow (for ordering quills) and some a very pale blue (for ordering ink). As you have used a very pale blue (for ordering ink) form, we are unable to send any parchment.

If you still require one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill), please fill in the relevant form in the Supply Request Form Book. In the meantime, we enclose one bottle of ink (blue, washable) in response to your submission of a very pale blue (for ordering ink) form, even though it was incorrectly filled in with the words "one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill)".

We hope this will be of help.

3.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We regret that the bottle of ink (blue, washable) was not satisfactory. As the Office Supplies Office seeks always to ensure that the products used by the Ministry of Magic are satisfactory, please will you fill in the purple form in the Complaints Form Book, giving full details of how the bottle of ink was not satisfactory, and return it to us so we may contact the relevant authorities on your behalf.

Thank you for your patience.

4.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We regret to hear that you did not want the bottle of ink (blue, washable) which we sent down to you. Using the correct coloured form in the Supply Request Form Book will help to avoid further confusions of this type.

If we may be of any further help, we will be glad to hear from you.


	2. Urgent?

Chapter 2. Urgent?

5.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge your request for a single pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill), filed on the correct very pale pink (for ordering parchment) form. However, we regret that Ministry regulations prevent us from taking any notice of the accompanying frilly pink note requesting expedited delivery of the single pad of writing parchment (A4, refill). For expedited delivery, please fill in the RED form at the back of the Supply Request Form Book and return it to us.

We will then be happy to help.

6.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are sorry to hear that there is NO red form at the back of your Supply Request Form Book. This is a common problem, as there are only two red forms for expedited delivery of office supplies in the back of each book. Due to Ministry regulations, we cannot send out all requested office supplies by expedited delivery, so the demand is managed at source by limiting the number of red forms.

However, we can supply you with another Supply Request Form Book, which would have two red forms at the back for you to use. Please fill out the lime green Replacement Form inside the front cover of the Supply Request Form Book and return it to us.

We will then be happy to help.

7.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. Thank you for submitting a lime green Replacement Form for a new Supply Request Form Book. The requested item is attached.

We hope this is of help.

8.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We note your request for expedited delivery. However, you have not submitted a Supply Request Form for any office supply item along with your Expedited Delivery Form. Please will you send the relevant coloured form from the Supply Request Form Book, along with an Expedited Delivery Form if you require the item urgently.

We will then be happy to help.

9.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. Due to Ministry regulations, complaints about the service provided by the Office Supplies Office cannot be handled if sent in on frilly pink notes. Please fill in the orange form in the Complaints Form Book if you wish to make a complaint about our services, giving full details about the incident in question, and return it to us. The affected request will, of course, be suspended until full enquiry has been made.

We hope this is of help to you.

10.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge your note enquiring into the status of your request for one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill). After checking our files, it appears that this request is currently suspended pending investigation.

We hope this is of help to you.


	3. Scorched?

Chapter 3: Scorched?

11.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. However, we regret that the frilly pink note you submitted is illegible, due to apparent scorch marks. If you wish to contact the Office Supply Office, please ensure your message is legible.

We will then be happy to help.

12.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are glad to be able to inform you that your request for one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) is currently no longer suspended.

We hope this is of help to you.

13.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are sorry to hear that you waited all afternoon for the delivery of one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) after receiving our previous memo. Due to Ministry regulations, we are unable to process requests suspended due to complaints until the full investigation has been completed, and the results communicated to all concerned parties. We will be forwarding the results of the investigation into your complaint about the service provided by the Office Supply Office in the matter of your request for a single pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) as soon as we receive them.

We hope this is of help to you.

14.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are pleased to be able to inform you that the results of the investigation of your complaint have now been returned to us. A copy of the investigation results is attached.

We hope this is of help to you.

15.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. However, we regret that the copy of the investigation results regarding your complaint about the service provided by the Office Supplies Office which you sent back to us is illegible due to scorch marks. If you wish to contact the Office Supply Office, please ensure your message is legible.

Furthermore, it is our regrettable duty to inform you that, due to Ministry regulations, we are obliged to add your Department to the Black List, for having submitted two or more incorrect or illegible communications to the Office Supplies Office. While we strive to be tolerant of mistakes, regulations are regulations.

We hope this is of help to you.


	4. Black listed?

Chapter 4: Black listed?

16.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. In response to your enquiry, we can confirm that the Auror Department is the only other Ministry Department on the Black List (1,679 incorrect communications).

We hope this is of help to you.

17.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. In response to your enquiry, we are glad to be able to inform you that the most common forms of incorrect communication submitted by the Auror Department are:

Using the lime green Supply Request Form Book Replacement Request Form to request office supplies.

Requesting a Supply Request Form Book on the final very pale yellow (for ordering quills) form in the Supply Request Form Book.

Sending the outer cover of empty Supply Request Form Book back in an illegible condition due to scorch marks.

Assorted incorrect communications

Our records do not show incorrect communications by individual Aurors.

We hope this is of help to you.

18.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your booklet "Muggle-borns and the dangers they pose to a peaceful pure-blood society." As all the members of the Office Supplies Office have acceptable Blood Status for continued employment at the Ministry of Magic, it was an informative and illuminating read.

19.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. In response to your frilly pink note drawing comparisons between the problems described in the booklet "Muggle-borns and the dangers they pose to a peaceful pure-blood society" and the Office Supplies Office, we would wish to inform you that Ministry regulations require a response to any communication to the Office Supplies Office within the same working day. Our records show that we have met this target in response to all communications received from your department.

We also wish to point out that due to Ministry regulations, we cannot handle any requests for office supplies written on the back of Ministry booklets, even by Under-secretaries. If you require office supplies, please use the correct procedure as specified by Ministry regulations.

We trust that this issue is therefore closed. However, should you wish to make a complaint about our services, please fill in the orange form in the Complaints Form Book, giving full details about the incident in question, and return it to us. The affected request will, of course, be suspended until full enquiry has been made.

We hope this is of help to you.

20.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your enquiry as to how one is supposed to obtain replacement office supplies within the Ministry of Magic. If you wish to request office supplies, please fill in the relevant colour form in the Supply Request Form Book and send it to us.

We will then be happy to help.

21.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are sorry to hear that there are no more red Expedited Delivery request forms or very pale pink (for ordering parchment) forms left in your Supply Request Form Book. If you require a new Supply Request Form Book, please fill in the lime green Replacement Form inside the front cover of the Supply Request Form Book and return it to us.

However, should you require the individual forms very urgently, we can inform you that many Ministry employees in a similar situation borrow the relevant coloured forms from their neighbour's Supply Request Form Book. This is frowned upon by Ministry regulations.

We hope this is of help to you.

22.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your request for one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) and expedited delivery of the item requested. However, as the Office Supplies Office is currently in the process of its quarterly review, it is our duty to inform you that delivery of all requested office supplies may be delayed by up to a week.

Thank you for your patience.


	5. Returns?

Returns?

23.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Our quarterly review has revealed that the Office Supplies Office has six outstanding requests for plain writing parchment (A4, refill) from your department. As Ministry regulations require that all office supply requests outstanding at the time of each quarterly review are supplied at once, in order to prevent back-logs, we attach the requested parchment.

As our records also show several of these pads of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) were requested for expedited delivery, we attach a few extra pads of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) as compensation for the delay.

We hope this is satisfactory to you.

24.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We are sorry to hear that you were unable to see over the stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) you had requested. If you should require a step-ladder to resolve the problem, please fill in the attached Office Furniture Request Form, stating clearly the item of office furniture required, and return it to us.

We will then be happy to help.

25.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your frilly pink note explaining the over-supply of plain writing parchment (A4, refill). However, Ministry regulations do require that we fulfil all outstanding requests for office supplies discovered during the Office Supplies Office quarterly review. Submitting only one Office Supply Request Form per desired item would help to avoid this problem arising in future.

We hope this clarifies the situation for you.

26.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of the four foot, seven and three quarter inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) from your Department. However, Ministry regulations prevent us from receiving returned office supplies without an appropriate Office Supplies Return Form. Please fill in the relevant form in the Supply Return Form Book, stating clearly the items received and the reason for returning them, and return it to us along with the items in question.

We accordingly attach the four foot, seven and three quarter inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) for you to submit with the Office Supplies Return Form.

We will then be happy to help.

27.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your Office Supplies Return Form and accompanying stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill).

However, we are sorry to inform you that our records show there has been an error made in filling out the Office Supplies Return Form. The form states that you are returning a four foot, five inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill). Our records show we supplied you with a four foot, seven and three quarter inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill). Ministry regulations prevent us from receiving returned office supplies unless the entire item issued is returned. We therefore attach the four foot, five inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) and request that you return the entire four foot, seven and three quarter inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) if you still wish to return the office supplies in question.

We will then be happy to help.

28.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your Office Supplies Return Form and accompanying four foot, seven and three quarter inch high stack of plain writing parchment (A4, refill).

We hope that this issue is now resolved to your satisfaction.

29.

**Ministry of Magic Official Memo**

Office Supplies Office; Level One.

FAO: Madam Umbridge

Thank you for contacting the Office Supplies Office. We acknowledge receipt of your request for a single pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill) and expedited delivery of the requested item. However, this has not been requested on the correct form in the Supply Request Form Book. If you still require a single pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill), please fill in the relevant very pale pink (for ordering parchment) form in the Supply Request Form Book and send it to us.

We will then be happy to help.

In the meantime, as you have submitted a very pale blue (for ordering ink) form, despite it being incorrectly filled in with the words "one pad of plain writing parchment (A4, refill)", we are glad to supply a bottle of ink (blue, washable) by expedited delivery.

We trust this will be of use to you.

~:~:~:~ finis~:~:~:~


End file.
